I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
