now i know why i became what i already was.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
