The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize