mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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