I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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