I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
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dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
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the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.