he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.