Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
