I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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