On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
