Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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