he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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