ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
