I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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