i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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