I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
