I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
