He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
