One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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