She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
