I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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