last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
