we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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