I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
