Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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