You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
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I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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