I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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