This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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