i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
