Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
