I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Houston, we have a blender
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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