Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
