Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
