we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
