Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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