your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
