i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
