Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
