i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
