My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
