ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
