On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
