Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
