Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.