Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover