Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches