Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
