my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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