There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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