I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
