Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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