well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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