I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Damn victory sex feels great
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
