WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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