WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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