Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
