Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
